The Awakening

My life truly started with a Divine Encounter that shifted my world view when I was 16 years old. At this point in my life I was fighting for my life as my body was being attacked by an “incurable” autoimmune disease called Lupus.  Within four months of the diagnosis, my kidneys were failing, heart problems, hair loss, arthritis throughout my entire body, internal swelling of my organs, unsightly skin lesions and loads of medication made me lose grasp of who I even was. I had withered away to skin and bones and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't even recognize the person staring back at me. 

Then I had a dream that would change my life forever. I remember this night as vividly today as I did then. 

On this particular night, I decided to give up on life. I did not want to live anymore. All I wanted was for someone to put me out of my misery. I felt hopeless. I felt angry. I was tired of the endless trips to the doctor, plates of toxic medication, the painful shots in my rear for anemia, the nausea from the chemo and the depressing sight of my hair falling out in clumps and looping sense of hopelessness.  I was so weak that I couldn’t even walk and my entire body was swollen with fluid due to failing kidneys - a trip to the hospital was imminent to begin kidney dialysis. 

I felt like I was trapped in a deteriorating body that wasn’t mine. And the future I had planned with my full ride soccer scholarship was now just a faded memory.

On this particular night, I did something I hadn’t done in years. I got down on my knees and surrendered everything I had left to this unknown God force that I was supposed to be available to me at all times. This was my breaking point. I began uncontrollably sobbing, releasing what seemed like emotions that had been held back my whole life, then I asked out loud…

“If there is anyone listening, if there is a God, please help me or take me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I can’t do this alone, I need help. If you are there please help me. I give up.” 

I cried until I was dry and then went to bed.

That night I had a dream that would change my life forever. In this dream I went through many phases of healing, including forgiveness, love, gratitude and surrender, before eventually spinning off the ground and levitating slowly into the sky. There was a crowd of friends, family, and people I barely even knew all trying desperately to pull me back to the ground. As I floated up, I had a sense of peace wash throughout my entire body. I knew that I was dying but I was okay with it, I felt like I was returning home and that a huge weight had been lifted.

I asked for everyone to let me go. I wasn’t afraid of dying anymore. I then shot up into the most pure, white, loving, light that held me in a cocoon of radiant love and bliss that I will never be able to explain with words. In that moment, I knew who I/we are beyond this physical experience. I felt the eternalness of my nature. The perfection of source. The perfection of all life. Every experience that had led me to that point flashed through my inner sight like a movie that beautifully illustrated how every experience had perfectly led me to this moment. 

I experienced the perfection of my sickness, of my physical experience, the perfection of everything in my life that had led me to that moment, I felt a deep connection with ALL, with consciousness itself and this feeling of oneness was so Divinely beautiful that I couldn't feel anything but the truth of my divine essence. I had been gifted with a remembrance of my true nature, and this was the gift i had needed to heal. My soul then asked to return to Earth, without words - there was a deep yearning to share this love I had experienced with the world.

In an instant I dropped from this glowing, loving place back into my bed. I hit the bed like I had fallen out of another dimension and woke up gasping for air like I was taking the first breath of my new life. I was crying tears of bliss, and was so overwhelmingly happy that I couldn't contain myself. I knew I was healed. I knew I wasn't sick any more, I knew I never was sick. It had all been an illusion. 

I jumped up and ran up a flight of stairs that a couple hours prior, I couldn't have imagined doing, to go wake up my parents and tell them the good news. I turned on the lights and announced I was healed and they had nothing to worry about. They thought I was crazy but that didn't matter to me. Nothing could take away this internal knowingness of my true nature and this knowingness has stayed rooted deep with me my whole life.

For the next 4 months I awoke with the sun, no alarm, with a deep desire to sit in silence with myself to enjoy the love that was outpouring from my heart. I was so joyous that I almost couldn't contain it. Something inside me had shifted and it felt amazing. All feelings of lack, doubt, pity, limitation, weakness and struggle were wiped clean. I felt the interconnectedness of everything around me. I knew I was a part of everything I saw and could feel the energetic connection that tied everything together. Every day was full of tears of bliss.

Although my complete recovery from the disease took a little over 4 months, the healing had occurred instantaneously in my mind. And from that moment on I started hiding all my medication, because I knew it was preventing my body from healing itself. For 4 months I kept this a secret from my parents and doctors until I went in for my final lab work that revealed my kidneys were healed and functioning perfectly without any scarring. There was no sign of the lupus.  I have now been symptom free and medication free for 15 years.

The Fade

I thought this beam of light coming from my heart was never going to go away. For months, I effortlessly flowed through life and witnessed profound healing. 

It was when I returned to high school that this light within me began to fade. I had no words to explain what I had experienced, and I felt nobody understood. I now see that I had to lower my vibration to fit in. I slowly began to shut down and revert inward. Within a month of being back at school the en”light”ened feeling that I had was greatly dimmed. My mind used this time of weakness to convince me that this experience was nothing extraordinary after all.

In college and the years following, I used drinking to numb this feeling of separation. What I thought was bringing me happiness externally was actually creating a bigger gap internally. The drinking and socializing became a filler. On the outside looking in, my life seemed great. I had a high paying job at a company I loved, penthouse apartment, nice car and beautiful friends and experiences. This lens of reality was beautiful while it lasted but deep down, I felt that something was missing.

On November 7th, 2016 I had a heart attack. This experience triggered another moment of clarity that changed the trajectory of my life yet again. Everything that I experienced in my dream flashed back into my vision and I knew instantly that I had to make a big change and follow the calling in my heart. I felt there was something much bigger I was here to offer the world and it was time to figure out what that was.

I decided to make a shift and move across the world to a small island in Thailand known for its holistic health community that I felt called to explore. I was guided to return back to this place of oneness that I had experienced in my dream. It would be from this place of love and light within that I would be able to heal my heart and begin to share this radiant nature with others to assist in their own self-healing and remembrance.

Returning to Flow and Alignment

I have now been living on Koh Phangan for the past year, on a multi-dimensional self-healing journey. At first, I set out to heal my physical heart from the heart attack but the journey has resulted in much deeper healing. I peeled back the layers, belief systems and social constructs that previously shaped my reality and now focus on tuning into the co-creative, loving, infinite energy source that lies within to support me in creating and living an inspired life.

It is my soul’s mission to help humanity rise above all perceived limitations and tap into the infinite wellspring of energy that lies within, to live an inspired, happy, healthy and harmonious life. 

If you are reading this, your soul has guided you here. Your intuition is whispering to you, and now it is time to listen. Nothing is impossible. There is something profound ready to flow out of you. I am here to help inspire you, give you goosebumps and shine a light on the limitless possibilities that surround you and are within you.

Through my own personal healing and self-discovery journey, I discovered the breath to be a potent medicine, that is a transformational tool for gently cleansing and realigning our mind, body and spirit. The breath is with us every minute of our lives as a silent witness to our existence, but it is also an intuitive guide that can take you on an inner journey of self-discovery, transformation and profound healing. 

Since my very first powerful introduction to breathwork I have been repeatedly astounded by the transformative mental, emotional, physical and spiritual healing that continues to transpire. 

The best part of breathwork is that it is SIMPLE. You can stop looking outside of yourself for the answers. Everything you seek is waiting to be tuned in within and the breath is a simple tool that can activate this inner remembrance of our divine nature.

What I Do Now

After selling everything I owned and making the leap into the unknown, I have been on a journey of coming back to myself to witness and cherish the eternal “I AM” within, beyond all the constructs I had previously built up that defined me. I am continually amazed as I learn more about the profound nature of our mind, body and spirit. I want to share all that I have learned with the world. In the past year this is what has transpired:

• I co-founded Bhavana Bottle - an eco-friendly, tea infuser bottle that is part of a global initiative to save our oceans from plastic waste. The bottles are being sold globally.  We donate a portion from every sale to help clean and restore our oceans from the damage caused by single-use plastic.
• I am passionate about teaching meditation and breathwork sessions at consciousness festivals, retreat centers, online and privately.
• I love teaching SOMA breathwork at healing centers, workshops, online, at festivals and one-on-one sessions.

Favorite Quote: 

At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. - Lao Tzu

At the time of my experience, I was a 31-year-old married mother of four. We were a healthy, active family, just returning home from vacation. A new school year was about to begin.

My experience did not summon carts or paddles. It was a seamless event. My infection began with a sore throat and high fever, followed by doctor visits and then admission into the hospital.

I became progressively weaker, having difficulty speaking and no appetite. Finally, I asked the nurse one day, “I need to speak to someone; I don’t think that I am getting out of here.” She replied, “We don’t want to hear that kind of talk around here,” and out she went. Geez, I thought to myself, “If I ever get out of this bed, I’ll listen.”

The doctor was coming in two times a day. But one morning, it was different. I had this incredible and overwhelming sadness. I could only move my head at this point. He stayed, and he asked me to focus on his words. He was telling a story, and at first, I was focused; but it was taking too much energy to listen. I could hear his voice, but then the words weren’t clear. I relaxed, and all of a sudden, I was on the ceiling. It was smooth and so quick. Now I could hear his words clearly and understand what his story was about.

Now I’m looking down at the woman lying in the bed, and I think, “Oh, I used to have a nightgown just like that one.” Staying there and just observing. I could see a bald spot on the back of the doctor’s head. He was crying, leaning on the bed rail. Then I figured it out, “If I’m up here, and she is down there; this can’t be good.” I realize at this same time that my sadness is gone, and my sense of humor is back. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, but I am already going fast down the hallway and end up at the nurse’s station.

The nurses were kidding around and one yelled out, “OK, today is Chinese food, you know what to do, put your money in and write down what you want. Pronto!” She was waving an envelope over her head.

Next, I found myself inside a phone booth that was built into the hallway wall. My husband was on the phone with my best friend. He was telling her what was happening. When she would respond, I would be in her office in North Carolina. When he would speak, I would be back in the phone booth. This went on for a while, and I was able to notice changes that my friend had made in her office decor.

Next, I was in a large theatre, with a stage and velvet curtains on both sides. No one else was there. I was sitting in the middle of the row. I didn’t know how I got there or why. I waited, and then one of my earliest childhood friends came out onto the stage.  She looked at me, and she let me know that she loved the games that we played and all the laughs that we had. Then it was my turn to tell her how I always had so much fun, but that I was sad when they moved away. We stayed there until we had exchanged love and admiration for each other. This segment was a much slower pace.

A young boy from my block came out. I thanked him for teaching me how to tie my laces, and he let me know that he loved the running races we had. I was enjoying every aspect of this. I never knew who was coming out next. But each time it ended in giving, and getting, love.

Later, an older boy comes out. He was the bus monitor. He conveyed to me that I had caused him humiliation. I listened to him. He used to bully my brother. So, one day I took his book bag and put it by the side of the house where the bus stop was. All the kids were playing. When the bus pulled up, the kids lined up and got on the bus. When it was his turn, he could not find his bag. He tells the kids, “Not funny.” They squeeze the window locks, and pull their windows down. I whispered to the others where his bag is and they tell him. Soon he is walking toward the bus and the kids are teasing him.

I had to go into his body and look at the kids hanging out the windows and feel the humiliation as he did. He had to go into mine, and understand my experience. I had to send him love, and I told him that I was deeply sorry. He sent me loving kindness. When this exchange was over, we both felt understood and loved. I can’t explain the depth of the healing. There were many more exchanges.

All of a sudden, I was in a tunnel, moving fast towards a bright light, and I say to myself, “Oh, I’m going home today.” I get to the light and there is a definitive edge, and it’s clear that this is where I am stopping. There were no faces, no figures, only tiny light beams moving slightly, making up this bigger light.

They let me know that my ancestors were here to welcome me today, but that my grandmother had intervened. I immediately think, “Oh, my grandma...,” and instantly they say, “No, not that one. You never met this one.”  At that moment, I get that they know everything. “You are only here for a little while; you can’t stay. You contracted in to help others and the children, and get your PhD.”
“Whoa, you must have me mixed up with someone else. School was a struggle for me,” I replied. Then I hear back, “That was then.”
I knew then that they had all the answers. I wanted to have questions. I’m thinking, just my luck, I get to a situation like this and the only question I have is, “Why can’t I stay? Do you remember that my body isn’t working anymore?” 

I know that I was there for a while, but I can only remember that they spoke about race, religion, and countries as a way of keeping people separate. They showed me a large room filled with people lying on tables, with large cylinders hanging above them. “There won’t be any surgery; light and vibration will heal their organs.”

Suddenly, I knew it was my time to go. “How do I get back?” I asked. They tell me, “Just go left…,” and I think, “How is that going to happen, since I always make an “L” for left?”  And I hear, “There aren’t any mistakes.”

With that, I am now in the kitchen in my home. The twins are in their highchairs and my older son is sitting at the table. My mom is there with them. I get the message that this is the place that I need to be, and with that thought, I am back in the hospital bed.

I could not move any part of me, but I could hear. I was trying to open my eyelids, or wiggle my toes…nothing. Soon after, I hear a woman’s voice say, “Why are you so sad?”  And the response was from my doctor. He replied with, “We lost the young mom today.” All of a sudden, I feel an ice-cold hand on my neck, “I don’t know what you are talking about; I have a pulse!”

I began my healing. I was in the hospital about a month. Before I left, I asked one of the nurses, “Do you ever order Chinese food?” “Every payday, honey,” she tells me. I gave her the date and asked her if she could check it out. “If it’s important to you.” She came back later and confirmed that, “Yes,” it was payday that day.

Months later, I went to a wallpaper store and went through the books and found the matching wallpaper to my friend’s office. I asked the woman for a sample. “It’s your lucky day. Take the whole page; we are getting our new books in soon.” I put it in an envelope and took it with me on my next visit. It was a perfect match.

I got the courage and called the doctor’s office, asking for a consult. I told him that strange things had happened to me that day that I can’t explain. He told me that he was not surprised. “You were gone,” he began. “I’ve been doing this for many years. I had two other patients with what you had, an 11-year-old boy, and a young woman. Both of them passed.”

I never told anyone.

About three years later, I was getting dinner ready and I put on Oprah. “You are going to love the show today folks. We have a young man who went skydiving, and he is here today to tell us what happened. He will explain to us what they are calling a “Near-Death Experience.”

The validation was just as important as the experience itself.  It was the rocket fuel that I needed to begin making changes in my life.

I was run over by a 5 ton truck the first day on the job. I died waiting on help to arrive in a policeman's lap as he tried saving me.

I died but remained above my body looking down…feeling sad as I was drawn toward the light above me. I felt 3 feet from my body and just as close to the light. The light spoke to me, telling me in a human voice it was time. I believe I was returned because I had only thought of my children ,I pleaded please my babies, I need to raise my babies, I had a 2yr old and a 3-4 yr old, The light spoke, “if you return you won't like it.” Please I pleaded again. On my 3rd plea for my babies, I was returned with the words, “you won't like it,” “So be it.” I was back in my body, screaming in pain. I watched them working on my body, shocking my heart. The 3rd shock, I returned.

I withdrew from family, felt worthless, had a need to feel the feeling that I felt while dead. As time passed I lost love toward my wife, a fight she held onto for another 16 yrs until our kids were raised. We are divorced.

I no longer fear death. When I was dead, I felt the greatest peace. At 55, I know it won't be long now until I return.

My first ND type experience came when I was about 17 or 18 and I took a dose of magic mushrooms. Truffles. I left the ego and the painful stories of my life. Existing without a body, unlocatable and deeply peaceful. Totally present. Then I had the experience of realising this was an experience caused by drugs and I would have to return to my normal existence. This was painful.

My next experiences: I'm again calling them near death type experiences but in fact I can't be sure how close to death my body was. My guess is not very close to bodily death. But noticing the connection between these experiences and my actuaI near to death experience I am including them. I had taken large doses of Ketamine on 2 or 3 different occasions and the experience was of complete disassociation with the body and loss of consciousness of the body. I was in the state known as a k hole. Unaware of my surroundings but still breathing. I experienced myself as feeling light and of spirit not form. On my first experience I was talking with a voice which I assumed was God. He was familiar and recognisable and reminded me of myself somehow. I was full of questions about meaning of life and why I existed. I was shown that things are not as they seem and the vital importance of space and non existence. I found the lessons hard to understand and along with a realisation of unity and feeling of being all alone, it was a bit overwhelming.

The experiences were amazing, showing me how everything is made from the same energy and also time is not as it seems. I saw things which haven't come to be yet and some that already have. 

My actual near to death experience was after a methadone and alcohol overdose. I was discovered turning blue, barely breathing and non-responsive. I needed two injections of another drug to stabilise me. I remember an experience of going through a lot of emotions and fear and then suddenly I was in the unlocatable indescribable peace and love which I have always been looking for, and not just in it; I was it. I felt great joy, peace, relaxation, and calm. And the feeling there was nothing to worry about in the first place. I was given choice to return to body and my life. I didn't want to but I was shown the effects it could have on my family, me dying in this way, and I felt a need to return.