Sept 22, 2017, my birthday, we went to the casino to get free lunch and free $25 to gamble. No luck. We went across the street to shop, and on my way out I trip and fall. Loma Linda hospital emergency room confirms an avulsion fracture of the right ankle--great! No dancing for me tonight. Oh well, go home and rest. C’est la vie.

Oct 4, 2017, massive pulmonary emboli (embolism) ……, deadly. Started to stroke out at work around 3 pm, when I was getting ready to leave. Symptoms in order: heavy feeling in the chest, sweating profusely, dizzy, couldn’t catch my breath, left side of body went numb head to toe, panic set in. EMTs arrived and kept telling me to catch my breath, but I couldn’t. I kept saying I couldn’t feel my left side--they kept thinking it was anxiety or asthma--assholes!

I was parked in the hallway at the hospital -- no rooms available. Finally rushed into a CT scan machine. I was told by doctor my oxygen was at 60% and dropping fast. They wanted to intubate me, but I said no and presented my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) papers. “No tubes” I wrote on paper and said in between breaths--I was adamant! No tubes!!!

The three doctors looked worried and conferred. They told my sisters without intubation I was doomed, but they had one more alternative, a sleep apnea mask at full force--blowing air into my mouth and lungs. Meanwhile they would add TPA to my IV--a clot-buster that would break up the clot in my chest--with one vital side-effect possible: brain hemorrhage. I said OK and signed the papers.

I passed out and woke up hours later in ICU. I tore the mask off because my throat was so dry and I took a breath on my own. Good. The nurse came and said you must put that mask back on. I said, "No! Can I get a regular oxygen tube for my nose?" She complied, then called the doctor. I said, “Hey, look, I can breathe. Can I go home now and back to work tomorrow??” He said, “Well, wait a minute. How do you feel overall?” I said, “Well, I can breathe, but, oh wait!” I grabbed the back of my head and said, “I have a terrible headache!” “CT scan stat,” he ordered. Sure enough, a brain bleed in the back of my brain. Ok, so I wasn’t going home. Over the next 3 days I had a series of strokes, a total of 2 brain bleeds, 2 surgeries, one to insert an IVC filter because it was found I has hundreds of clots in my body and another to remove clots from the left side of my body that not even the TPA could break up and they were stuck in my limbs and I was still feeling numb.

NDE/OBE occurred during the 3rd stroke/2nd brain bleed. I was being wheeled to another emergency CT scan when I felt my body arch and all time suspended. I knew my body was below me, but I was entranced by the brightest sky-filled light I had ever seen, and at this point, due to the strokes and bleeds, I was having my room as dark as possible due to pain. But this light was beautiful and I also noticed I felt no pain for the first time in 3 days, and what a relief that was. I knew my body below had a tear falling from my right eye-in utter bliss-pure joy-and I felt calm and peaceful. I knew I was the form of an energy mass and I could sense murmuring from the light and shifting energy within it.

Then I began to panic and beg, please, “Yes I am ready,” I telepathically exclaimed. I am ready. I have earned my wings (a figure of speech). But I remained hovering below the light and I did not enter it like I wanted to, so badly. But just then I felt my energy zoom at the speed of light and reenter my body with an insulting jolt and I found myself being wheeled into the CT scan machine where it was confirmed another hemorrhage.

I was angered, to say the least. Why? I was ready. Why am I in excruciating pain again? Why is the light here so bright it hurts my eyes? I pulled the blanket over my head. Remembering that feeling, so sublime, beautiful, intense…then feeling rejected, mad, why not me? I deserved it! I longed for it. Unfair. Not right.

The doctor came in and I’m muttering I saw the light, and he smiled and said, “You have had 3 strokes and it is confirmed 2 brain hemorrhages. Just relax, your blood pressure has dropped. But you’re going to be OK.” OK? No, I’m not OK. I want the light. I want that place--that feeling. Not here. Please not here anymore.

But there was nothing I could do. The next day I noticed my arm was black and blue from where the BP cuff was and that combined with the blood thinners was taking its toll on my arm, so I ripped it off and showed the nurse. She placed it on my wrist after much complaining but couldn’t get a good reading. I could care less. I was still stuck here. On this place called earth.

I laid back and tried to conjure up that feeling again. Nothing else mattered but remembering that place, that experience. I will go back. I will find a way to recreate that feeling or I will just have to go back. But nothing here on earth comes even close. Not the greatest feeling or drug or drink or food or anything. Nothing even comes close. What was that place? For the next 2 years I would research and read everything I could find.

How funny that I was DNR and I was hooked to no machine. Saw no flat line. But I experienced the same thing that many people who have a recorded flat line did. Was it the lack of oxygen from the stroke? The hemorrhage? I don’t care! I want it and I want it now. Most days I’m patient and some days I’m anxious. I know there are ways to deprive oxygen to my brain. But I’m smart and wouldn’t want any lingering damage.

I was lucky. I have no noticeable damage. I do have some memory loss, aphasia, dyslexia, and mild hallucinations. But people say to look at me you can’t tell what I went through. But they didn’t know me before. I used to walk fast. Talk and think fast. Smart as a whip. Now I feel slow and the words don’t come to me as fast and I can’t always remember things. But people who knew me don’t all talk or see me anymore. And new people have no idea.

I talked about it a lot the first year and the second year I started keeping it to myself. No one seemed interested and maybe no one ever was. I’ve changed in that I don’t care much about anything but my son and new grandson. Who are my brightest lights here on earth. And anything else that goes wrong is like, I’ve had worse days. So, I just go along and live each day that I happen to wake up.

I’m on 18 medications. I eat what I want. I do what I want, which is not much since I developed CRPS out of the strokes and my damn ankle never healed properly and now never will. Oh well, I’m just waiting my turn. Meanwhile I will be as nice as I can and love my boys. Not take anything too seriously. It’s mostly all a joke--a bad joke at best.

I’m on facebook support groups and it bores me now all the God questions and religious ones. The light--it’s all about the light. No god, no religion. Lack of pain is what I still seek. Have sought my whole life. And it will come to me in due time. Meanwhile holding my grandson eases the pain and also seeing my son be a father. Those are my greatest joys now. I’ve been depressed my whole life but even that is a waste of time.

So, I look for the beauty in all the ugliness. The lotus flower in the mud if you will. And that is my life now. I used to live in a broken mind; now I live in a broken body and I disregard the dark things my mind conjures and I replace it with visions and memories of the light. Of rhythm and of love.

I am uncertain as to where I should begin my story. I suppose my entire life has led up to this pivotal spiritually transformative experience. I shall rewind to approximately 3.5 years ago when my life began to change.

One night in January 2018, I experienced an incredibly vivid dream of my deceased aunt whom I loved (and still love) very much. I saw her standing there very clearly: it was like high-definition television quality. She just stood there with a neutral expression on her face and did not say a word. I sprang up straight in bed, now awake and confused, wondering what had just happened. My partner was sleeping soundly and the apartment was quiet, and somehow I ended up falling asleep again.

The next day I went online and researched content in regards to encountering deceased relatives in dreams. I ended up at the conclusion that I was having some sort of spiritual awakening. Not only did I experience my aunt in that dream, but I had seen her in many before - only one of which was a vivid dream like the one I just had. It was when I was a teenager when she told me: "Don't be afraid". And the same reaction: I sprang up in bed, awakened by the clarity of the dream. I started to realize that perhaps I was "psychic" to some extent: I had sensed phrases in my mind from my late grandmother in the past. I was always shy and overwhelmed in large crowds. I was always very sensitive and empathetic. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life or what my purpose was. I had always been captivated by psychics, mediums, angels, and accounts of near-death experiences. I had stopped practicing Roman Catholicism in favour of Spirituality. And a major one: I hopped from job to job over the last decade, never finding fulfillment in my work, always feeling "blocked" at some point right before I would quit, as if I was being prevented from working at this/these company(ies) any longer. Finally, in the latter half of 2018, I quit working, as I was fortunate and grateful to have a partner who could support me financially. 

Since that time I have been active on social media spreading inspirational/positive advice, which organically turned into a mixture of personal growth and spiritual guidance. I created a YouTube channel the day after my 34th birthday, and eventually signed up to Twitter and Instagram, and most recently, TikTok. (I've had a Facebook account since 2007 but I deleted it because I wasn't resonating with it any longer.)

I came across spiritual/inspirational speakers on YouTube, such as Wayne Dyer, Esther (Abraham) Hicks, Gabby Bernstein, Michael Bernard Beckwith, Panache Desai, and the list goes on. I was captivated by their conviction of spiritual truths beyond what our physical senses can interpret.

I understood that I was on a path of awakening/ascension and that I was being asked to surrender all that I thought I knew. This process was very slow and gradual, and to be honest, very difficult. At the same time, I would experience bliss and liberation through insights from spiritual teachers, but then I began to experience my own hits of inspiration during meditation. At times I would curse God/Universe and ask, "What more do you want from me? I believe in you and love you - why can't I just experience some kind of relief or physical manifestation of all the work I've done on my inner world? Why is my outer world not reflecting my inner world and all the things I want to experience/manifest?"

On the evening of June 17th, 2021, my partner and I were watching TV in bed. We had stopped watching and he was looking at his phone when I said, "Handsome, I think I'm dead." He knew all the turmoil and transformation I was going through and he uttered a gentle and caring laugh and said, "No, sweetheart, you aren't dead." That was that, and we went to bed - but it certainly didn't change the way I felt.

During the night I had to leave the master bedroom to sleep in the guest room because I had drenched the bedsheets in sweat and my body was agitated. I felt dazed the next morning and somewhat depressed. While my partner was taking a shower before heading to work, I was so overcome with frustration that I went to the backyard and felt pushed to utter a blood curdling scream. And so I did. In my mind I felt like I was expressing, "What else do you [God/Universe] want from me?! I'm screaming my lungs out, despite common sense, as this is not a normal thing to do. I trust you! I'm screaming my trust!! I don't care if people hear!!" I let out a second scream that was louder than the first. My throat surprisingly was not affected by these insanely loud screams. And even more surprising: no neighbours had responded to the screams and my partner hadn't heard a thing.

My partner then went to work. I was a mess. "What is happening to me?!" is all I could think of. I went to lie down on the bed in the master bedroom. The light from the window was so intense to my eyes that I had to close the curtains. I didn't want to close them because I love natural light, but I really just had to. And then things took a drastic and surprising turn.

I truly felt dead. I started putting pieces together/sensing ideas that I was dead. My body had been freezing cold the past few days. My partner had painted the basement and kitchen a brilliant white and I understood it to be my entrance into heaven. I had recently bought a blue cotton robe that looked like a hospital gown and I knew that somehow in some reality I was experiencing my death and that I was in a hospital bed. The sweating at night. I turned over in bed and rubbed my back, and sensed that a nurse was making adjustments for me. I felt my heart skip a beat and was terrified, as if it was my heart's last beat. I looked at my phone and somehow I sensed that I had died on May 22, 2021, and that all the texts I've been sending since then were from beyond the grave. I sensed my funeral, and somehow knew when different people were reciting their eulogies. I was mourning the loss of my family and loved ones whom I would never get to touch, see, or speak to again. It was perplexing, other-worldly, terrifying and painful. "But I didn't even feel my death! How is this so?!" 

My partner texted me and I responded with tons of heart emojis, more than I had ever used. And then I sent him a rainbow emoji and suddenly had a flash to my funeral where I understood that the rainbow emoji was a rainbow I had cast across the sky at my funeral as a symbol to let everyone know I was okay. I sent birds to the burial site with my consciousness.

If that weren't earth-shattering and mind-bending enough, I sensed that my real identity wasn't "David" as I knew him, but that I was another man in another life (or this life? Time didn't seem to make sense or apply). I knew of the other man but I had never met him. He was a bodybuilder. He looked spectacular - the body of a Greek god with blond hair. While still in a daze, I researched about him, still in the dark of the bedroom. So much of his life resonated with me. I was convinced that I was him and that I would somehow transform into this man, even though that made no logical sense. I thought I was going to go back to 1988 and relive my life as him, and it made me so excited, yet perplexed. I had always admired bodybuilders and the work and dedication it requires to carve their bodies, and I always thought they were the epitome of male beauty. 

After a while of reading about this man, it was all getting a bit too overwhelming, so I decided to get out of bed. Not only that, but my dog had entered the room and I wanted to hug her for comfort. I got down on my knees, certain that I was dead, and stretched out my arms to her: "Come here sweetie, it's okay. Daddy is okay." She didn't come to me and I was absolutely heartbroken. I just wanted to feel her love. Instead, she ran out of the room and down the hallway. It's interesting to note that she was barking a lot more recently and I sensed that she had been seeing my "ghost."

I followed her out to the living room when I remembered something all of a sudden. I would joke that my dog always looked up the staircase at a man (ghost) with a handlebar mustache. In that instant I knew that she had been seeing my late grandfather. "Nonno!!" ("grandfather" in Italian), I yelled out, and starting bawling my eyes out. I then remembered that my partner had recently bought cheese which was called a variation of my grandmother's name. I cried out to her, too. I sensed many other deceased relatives that were somehow still here with me even though I couldn't see them.

I was so overwhelmed that I returned to the darkened bedroom, needing to lay down and try to gain some sense of "reality." It truly felt as if I was experiencing different lifetimes and moments all at once. My dog came back to the bedroom again and beckoned me to come out of the bedroom. I followed her to the dining room, where I had the urge to go outside in the backyard. Dressed only in my robe, I descended the stairs of my deck and walked to the center of the yard. I laid down in the grass, and in a totally bold, uncharacteristic, strange, and nonsensical move, I took my robe off and lay there naked, fully available for neighbours to see, as we have chain-link fencing. But I didn't care. I lay there, looking up at the sun directly above me, and it had the most brilliant halo I had ever seen. I had only seen halos on the moon up until this point. I was mesmerized. I somehow stared directly at the early afternoon sun without it hurting my eyes. The sun was glowing a pinkish colour. I heard birds and felt the breeze. I encountered an occasional voice (was it a voice from a neighbour or was I imagining things?). I basked there in utter comfort and confusion, allowing my body to drink up the warmth and light of the sun. I soon went back inside because I was getting quite warm.

When my partner returned home I told him what had happened, and naturally he was concerned for my safety and well-being. I cried. I somehow sensed the pain of Jesus and his message of love not being heard by the masses. My body was shaking involuntarily. I was stammering all my revelations to him, and he - being the amazing man he is - told me that he was there for me and that he was real and true, even though I didn't know what truth was at that moment. All dimensions seemed condensed into one moment and I didn't know what to believe, but I knew that I believed him and that he was my stability. I followed his advice by trying to take it easy because I was clearly distressed.

My memory becomes a little fuzzy at this point - perhaps more memories will come back, perhaps not. All I know is that I began to feel better. 

The next day I went to get some groceries and felt an urge to buy blond hair dye (I have brown hair which I shave very closely to my scalp). When my partner returned from work he said that he would prepare the dye for me. He applied it and when it was time to rinse it off, I found the water to be insanely freezing and screamed out loud. At that moment I sensed it was my baptism - water being poured over my head. A rebirth, a renewal of sorts. Both myself and my partner liked the new look. 

Over the next few days, inspiration seemed to hit me out of nowhere, I began writing (or channeling) poetry. I had never really written poetry before, nor had I ever had any interest in it, but now poems and insightful/pleasant information started pouring through my fingertips - especially in the middle of the night. I was, and still am, stunned by this development. In addition, I am finding it easier to meditate and "find my zen" and "come back to my centre." I also have a renewed interest in cooking and eating less meat and more vegetables. I also experience myself having so much more respect and love for animals and nature. I give my dog more kisses and I'm more lenient with the treats. I am more interested in my partner's passion for gardening. I have expressed my love to my family and my best friend - not something I would've done in the past. I have a renewed vigour for life and I somehow know that my biggest dreams are coming true. I am so deeply humbled and grateful to have been blessed with this Grace. I feel as if my life is just beginning to be what I had always wanted it to be, and I want to show appreciation for this Grace by sharing my messages with the world.

I have no interest in living beyond this moment, save for visualizing my lovely dreams coming true. Somehow I know that everything is okay. The spiritual advice I've been writing and speaking about on my social media accounts for the past 3.5 years are somehow more concrete to me, and I recognize that same zest for life in others who have experienced some kind of "awakening." I don't know where life will lead me from this moment forward, but I do know that it will be wonderful because I have totally given myself over to God, the Universe, the flow of life...to Love.

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Dr. Nicole Gruel

ISGO™ co-Founder and Lead Facilitator
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Author, Speaker, Transformational Coach

Dr. Nicole Gruel is an author, speaker, transformational coach, specialist in NOTEs (non-ordinary transcendent experiences), and descends from a long line of samurai. She combines experience in teaching, international development, healing arts, counseling, Eastern philosophy, depth and transpersonal psychology, sacred ceremony, and creative expression to inspire grounded personal transformation and intentional collective action. She has spent over two decades exploring human potential after a near-death experience and sudden loss of several family members initiated her journey into the non-ordinary realms and how ordinary people deal with extraordinary experiences. Her mission is to help people shine brighter.   website: www.drnicolegruel.com

Chuck Swedrock, BSc Comp. Sci., MBA

IANDS Board Member, 2005-2011, 2017-present
ISGO™ co-Founder and Lead Moderator
IANDS Groups Coordinator, 2005-2011, 2017-2018
IANDS Technology Committee - interim chairperson
ACISTE Life Coach

Residence: Arizona
Former co-facilitator of Arizona IANDS Groups.
Occupation: Retired Information Technology Specialist

YouTube:
“A Life Guided by Experiences – Chuck Swedrock”

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I was on a tai chi and yoga retreat in Southern Spain.

We were about 10 of us. I felt comfortable one evening to recall to them my first powerful STE experience. I could feel the emotion and energy growing through me while I was telling them.

On the fourth day, while in collective meditation, I felt enormous energy building and strong emotions. I saw a beautiful white flower, then two hands in prayer. Although there was no voice, I answered in my mind, "I am ready." Then enormous energy (almost like electricity) went through my hands, arms mainly, and body. My whole body was shaking and I was screaming and crying uncontrollably. It was me and at the same, a “me” I was not familiar with had to express immense sorrow and suffering. It was an urge, like giving birth to a baby. I don't know how long it lasted. While it happened, the leader of the retreat came behind me and did something which felt comforting but would not stop the process I had to go through.

When it stopped, I was exhausted, and we were all quite shaken. My colleagues at the retreat had been affected by it in different ways. But the end result was we all felt unconditional love. It seemed like all appearances had gone. We all had learned something deep. 

The next day, all I could do was have some fresh air and admire the view of all I could see, hear and smell. I could not attend the lecture, as some words or notions triggered too much emotion in me. They felt so true in the core of my being, so beautiful and at the same time triggered too much emotion for my body to handle. 

For days afterwards, I seemed to be flooding. All practical matters had no interest or impact on me.

Since my first STE and this experience, I have changed my behavior and interests and way of being. At the same time, it feels like it is the real me coming out. I also feel a very strong connection with nature and people.

I have very strong vibrations in my body while writing this. Energy or vibrations have become the biggest part of who I am. I still don t know if I need to do anything with this apart from being aware of it.

NDEr Lesley Lupo and IANDS Featured on Fox 10 Phoenix News Special on NDEs

And be sure to check out Lesley's new book, Remember: Every Breath is Precious: Dying Taught Me How to Live with endorsements from Drs Pim van Lommel,  Ken Ring, Dean Radin, Raymond Moody, Bruce Greyson, Marjorie Woollacott, and many more notable contributors to the research and understanding of these and similar profound experiences.

UPDATE! Now see Lesley's talk to Durham IANDS in the new ISGO Webinar forum ... register now to view the live broadcast and receive a post-talk link to watch the recording at your leisure!

We were with friends for the weekend. I am 52 and as a female of that age, I spent the last month working out harder and avoided alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I do not smoke or do drugs. We started the evening fine and one friend started pouring shots. I did 4. A sugar filled shot. I still felt fine.

This friend uses marijuana on a daily basis. I don't like it, never have and certainly don't condone it but this was a private home and he is an adult. Some of the friends took their share of his pipe. He knows my feelings on it. As the night went on, but still fairly early he came over and said, come on everyone else took one. I thought, OK, one and done. I took a drag off the pipe and immediately felt odd. My heart raced and I felt like my body was paralyzed. I asked to be taken to bed. I lost all track of time from then on. But I laid on the bed and asked my husband not to leave me.

I remember breathing rapidly; then all a sudden the blood draining from my face, and trying to move my hands and not being able to. The only word I could use to describe how I felt was gray. Like my body went gray, like a cigarette burns the paper, the gray went from my head to my entire body.

My husband told me that I stopped breathing, and he watched my chest stop moving. and that my face went gray and he said I immediately looked 100 years old. My face went gray and hollow.

It seemed like seconds, but at that time I was traveling in a tunnel--very dark and, to me, claustrophobic. The light was bright and got brighter and brighter. I saw no faces. and can't say I "heard" voices but clearly was told "we love you more here." And I remember thinking, if I died that night or that way, the guilt would kill my friends. And I said, "I can't die this way. I am 52. Not now. Please." And I begged to please be sent back. And I said, "I can make him love me that way." I am not sure if I felt love like Christ-like. A part of me worried it was Satan, to be honest. I worried that the devil was trying to take me and promise me a better love to trick me. I am a Christian, but not a perfect one. I don't doubt I will go to heaven, but I am a worrier and that has crossed my mind.

I asked my husband if he heard me saying, "please send me back," over and over, in a raspy crying voice. He did not. But he felt my body and saw me die, as he said, and then he shook me to wake me up. I woke up as if I was surfacing a body of water. I could not breathe, but was not gasping for air. I was numb. I finally surfaced the black tunnel, and he said I gasped for air as I woke and kept saying to him, "Its ok, I can love you." He asked what I meant and I said, "He said it's OK." And when he asked who, he said my eyes went back and up to the ceiling. He kept asking who, and I just said, "He did; it's OK."

Had my husband not been there, I might not be here or ever have told a soul. But on our way home yesterday, after no mention of it at all, I said, "So let's talk about Friday night." He said, "Holy crap, Hon...I am not sure what you mean, but I swear I think you died. I saw you die. I am 100% sure you were dead for a few seconds." And we discussed what he saw and what I felt. It's very scary and surreal. And I worry or wonder more what the message is. What am I to learn from this? Why me? Why was I allowed to come back? And I do worry, why didn't they take me? Even though I begged to come back. Like, am I worthy to be there?  As it's still so new and raw and real, its just hard to figure out. I am glad my husband was there. I just wish we both knew what to do with this experience.