I was on a boat in Florida with my wife and her father's family. The boat was stuck because a rope was sucked into the engine.

I suddenly could see myself diving more deeply than I have ever known. I was traveling down into the depth of the river, deeply immersed and content. This vision is deeply soothing. I feel deeply surrendered to it. I immediately stand up, turn around and dive backwards, jumping very high. I feel like an Olympic diver. I have never been able to dive this well. I feel perfect form. Graceful and aligned very deeply. I come down perfectly straight.

The water is shallow, only up to my chest. I land on the very firm sandy bottom on my head. I suddenly see the reddish color of the water very vividly. I am aware of very intense pressure, as if being in a vice. I am pushing back from being crushed by this vice. I feel certain that I am going to die now. Time slows down, though not in my experience, for me time felt ordinary, but a fraction of a second seemed to last 20 minutes. I remember the sound of vertebrae collapsing in my upper spine. Every few minutes I would hear another popping sound as they collapsed. There were around 6 or 7 of these sounds, spread out evenly in apparent time. There is no pain at all. In the face of impending death, the idea of pain is completely meaningless to me at that time. There is only the extraordinary pressure of the vice.

As I realize that life is over, I am extremely upset by this. I am completely honest with myself because I believe life is over. I am judging my own experience. There is a silence as I look at my life, as if to review how I would rate it. I was under the impression that I was heading towards some magnificent future, and felt like this future was just torn away. But it was far worse than that. I saw that this future I was living for was entirely imaginary, that I was getting no closer to my desired circumstances over time, and was delusional in thinking any significantly different experience was going to happen as a result of my consistent sacrifice. I felt tricked out of life. I remember seeing it like a joke that was very much not funny.

I saw who I was being, that I was pretending to be what others wanted, to make them happy, and that I didn't mean any of it, and that no one was happy. I remember realizing that I never wanted to be married but didn't want to upset anyone. I had a very clear picture of what I was doing, how delusional it was, and there was nothing to be done about it. I had a lot of specific recognitions, like being married and not wanting to, and felt very frustrated by how false it all was. I realized that I had planned to find what would make me happy after I made everyone else happy, but I hadn't yet finished making others happy. I felt upset because I had not yet gotten to even explore life because I was so busy trying to appease others.

Suddenly the pressure stops. I stand up and the water is up to my chest. I speak to those I am with, but my voice sounds compressed, like I was being squished. The first person I see is my wife. I had forgotten that I was married because of the many specific things I had seen and I had let that one go, but it felt like years had passed since I was married because I had let go so completely. I am surprised to realize that I am alive. I am surprised to realize that I am still married. I eventually get to the hospital and their x-ray reveals that nothing is broken. I go back to life as I know it.

But I notice subtle differences now. I catch myself saying things I don't mean and stop speaking mid-sentence. While speaking to the CEO of a company, he asks if I am aware of who he is. Before the experience I had mannerisms that would happen while speaking to important people that vanished without me noticing, but others noticed I was different. Family members said I had become different, detached, they said it was like they had lost whoever I was before. I decided that my job wasn't meaningful to me and that I could be anything I wanted, so I decided to be an actuary. Very quickly I pass two tests and get a job as an actuarial analyst and move to a new state. This is when I begin to become depressed.

For about four years this depression increases. I see through everything, like being at Disney World but seeing the particle board behind the stone walls. Everything I said or did felt like a lie to me. Nothing felt real. I became increasingly depressed. After about four years something inside me gives up. I remember this moment very specifically. I let go of all my dreams as I recognize they don't matter. I feel like I am letting myself sink into a vast dark bottomless ocean.

As I give up and let myself sink, I am suddenly filled with light. The depression immediately vanishes as I realize how absurd that I thought such silly things as money or relationships could be made to be deeply meaningful. I become very quiet at this time for a few years. Eventually when I speak, years later, I realize that I really mean what I say. Speaking and thinking and listening to others begins to have a noticeable impact on my embodied experience. I also begin to experience all emotions as physical sensations, like energy in my body.

After this point, strange things begin happening in real life. Coincidences that are ridiculously improbable become common. Lucid dreaming also happens for a while. While lucid dreaming I experienced everything I ever could want. I could fly, experience any sexual experiences, transform into other things, and summon anyone I wanted to have a conversation with. Eventually all the fantastic experiences lost all meaning. I remember a lucid dream where I knew I could experience anything I could imagine, and I sat down on the sidewalk bored. After this, lucid dreaming became less frequent. I seemed to value it less because the only part I valued was the conversation, and conversation doesn't require a lucid dream.

After experiencing everything I ever wanted, I became disenchanted by life. The image of a better future was a significant part of my motivation, and this motivation completely disappeared. I still wanted to pay bills and experience the financial security I was used to, but it became impossible to force myself to do what I didn't value. This was terrifying because work meant safety to me and I was unable to force myself to work, so I felt very much in danger. 

Eventually I give up on work, after many experiences of painfully burning out. I since have spent the rest of my time seeking therapy to try and help me to get my life back together. But nothing seems to work. I don't want to be a burden to others, but I often feel that way.

I just had a conversation with chatgpt that revealed to me that changes related to experiences like my diving accident can cause significant changes in my understanding and that this change in understanding can't be ignored. It recommended IANDS as one of the possible resources, so I go there and write this description.