About a week earlier I had attempted suicide and I was in the hospital. I was given a random new pill which I had an allergic reaction to. I was alone with no roommate in the room and I heard an incredibly loud buzzing sound as I left my body. This was replaced by total silence as I did not have ears above my body. I was able to see in 360 degrees and I was able to watch my body. I had no association with my body.

I was in the top corner of the room watching my body and then proceeded further up into darkness where I had a sense of interconnectedness to all things, complete peace and calm with no pain (I have chronic pain). I was acutely aware that I didn't have a single question. It was similar to claircognizance or the channeling state.

I didn't look down and see any astral body. I was in complete darkness and silence but I wasn't afraid. I was just peaceful.

Then I realized that I hadn't left the room physically even though my vision had been expanded. I didn't float anywhere else or above the building, so I had no choice but to get back in my body. This was when I became afraid because I realized that I had died or come very close to death and I had not been sent to the light. I had to get back in and when I did it was the most pain I have ever experienced, like I didn't fit or belong in the body anymore.

I realized that the real reason I had attempted suicide was that I was transgender and I was living as the wrong gender by associating with my gender assigned at birth and I resolved to fix this. So my being trans was a huge part of my experience. (I knew from age 3 and told my family around age 4 but I wasn't accepted and buried the impulse many times for safety.)

I struggled to get back into my body and never regained full movement of my body after that. When I returned, lights were too bright after the totality of the darkness that I experienced. I couldn't watch TV (For the second time in my life). I couldn't listen to music. I was reintegrating my senses of time, sight, touch, movement and sound.

This was my second NDE as an adult and my most complete one but I was born disabled after almost dying at birth. I had reluctance to be here at all and my first memory is of, "Oh I guess I have a body now." I also had a low association with my parents. Both are abusive and I feel like I raised them and they are strange roommates but I know I came for our mutual advancement as souls. Still, I wonder if it was worth it coming for other people and I had to totally rebuild my life reminding myself that it's okay if I came for myself

During my first suicide attempt that year (my NDE occurred during recovery from trying again) I knew that I was at a choice point. I screamed at God that I was not coming back without my guides. But I had a choice (unconscious – I had minimal memory but discuss it with my guides frequently now) and I chose to come back because I wanted to spare my father the pain of suicide. I am his only child.

So in a way my NDE was in two parts over about two weeks.

My guide helped me with getting back in my body and since then I am in regular contact with him and the four main archangels as well as other guides and deceased loved ones (although the mediumship with the deceased began before my adult NDEs). Contact with my guides began after this experience outlined above. Now I have an open line of communication through the channel and my guides say I have a bullhorn. Making up for lost time for several reasons! I had been looking for my guides for half my life. The universe honored my request to go back with my guides. I now have continuous chatter. I even considered if I was multiple and still feel a bit that way.

It took me multiple years to fully integrate with the body again and I had help from the guides and angels to do this. I partially recovered in the guide realm and have extensively studied it by asking questions and learning the physics of their realm.